Note: I am not re-opening this moribund blog. But I want to get this off my chest.

As of this posting nothing I have written has been criticized or attacked by Common Sense Media. I wanted to be able to write this post without reference to my own work or any possible criticism of same.

Yesterday I took my two kids to see a movie called Kick-Ass. I have a 10 year-old girl and a 13 year-old boy. I loved it. I admired it. It was — to use that horribly overused word — awesome. My kids both loved it.

Common Sense Media rates Kick-Ass as unfit for children, “Not For Kids,” despite the fact that the main characters are teens and a pre-teen girl. Why should it be unfit?

Well, here is their take on language in the film:

The movie features almost constant swearing, including some from the mouth of an 11-year-old girl. Words include all the variations on “f–k” and “s–t,” as well as “c–k,” “c–ksucker,” “dick,” “balls,” “t-ts,” “p—y,” “c–t,” “ass,” “asshole,” “Jesus,” “Christ,” “retard,” and “douche.” (Not to mention the title itself.)

Let’s pause for a moment and enjoy the fact that CSM is complaining about the use of the word “asshole” by using the word asshole.

It’s okay for Common Sense Media to use the word “asshole” but not, apparently, okay for use in the movie. CSM says “asshole,” that’s no problem. Kick-Ass says “asshole” and that’s a problem. Evidently we cannot say “t-ts” but we can say “dick.” No to “p—y” and yes to “balls.” No to “s–t” and yes to “douche.”

Who decides these things? Why the good folk at Common Sense Media decide. They decide that their site can use the word “asshole” but not the word “f–k.” Do they have specific guidelines for the number of dashes in a given word? Would it be much worse to write “fu-k” or “f-ck?” How about just “f—?” Or “the F word.” Or “the word beginning with F followed by two dashes and ending in K?”

Is the director of the movie entitled to make those decisions? No. Common Sense Media doesn’t want a director — the person creating the work of art — to make those fine distinctions. Those important distinctions are to be made by Common Sense Media.

Because they know best.

Here is their paragraph on the issue of the film’s message:

Despite the movie’s main theme of taking action and doing something, becoming involved, rather than simply standing by and watching horrible things happen, the methods by which the characters “do something” are questionable at best. And the inclusion of the young girl spewing extremely strong language and gunfire sends a confusing and disturbing message. But nestled in among the violence and foul language, there are also issues of trust, and working together, and the question of whether bravery and recklessness alone can make one a superhero.

“Confusing and disturbing message.” Ah, yes. Because messages should never be confusing and disturbing.

Question: what is the message of Diary of Anne Frank? Well, let’s ask Common Sense Media. This is their “message” section on the movie adaptation of Diary:

Although the story of Anne Frank is a tragedy underscoring what the world lost because of the Nazis and the Holocaust, there are also many positive messages in the real-life tale. The Franks, the Van Daans, Mr. Dussel, and the Dutch friends who helped hide them are all reminders that even during the most horrible situations, people rise to the occasion and can remain hopeful and, as Anne says, good.

Wait. The message of Diary of Anne Frank isn’t confusing and disturbing? There’s nothing confusing about Anne’s emotions? Nothing disturbing about the wartime persecution of Jews and the eventual betrayal of the Frank family by a Dutch informer? Nothing just a wee bit disturbing about the Holocaust?

Of course not. Because Diary of Anne Frank is great literature, a seminal book, a work of art. As determined by Common Sense Media. So it is judged by one standard and Kick-Ass by a different standard.

Let’s see if that same prejudice evidences elsewhere. Here is the message of Huckleberry Finn:

While this story is set in a racist society, and there is much vile racist talk (always cleverly done to make the speaker look ignorant and/or to show how that sort of thinking is foolish), this book was revolutionary for its time (and much criticized) because the message is clearly anti-racist and anti-slavery.

And here they are on the language in Huckleberry Finn:

As was typical of the time the novel was written and set, the N-word is used frequently and casually. Black men are referred to as “bucks” and women as “wenches.”

So, in both message and language, Huckleberry gets a pass. Is it because “The N-word” is less offensive than “f–k?” Hardly. The “N-word” carries the baggage of slavery, torture, rape and murder. But that word is okay, and other more innocuous words are not. Why? Because it was historically accurate? I hate to break it to Common Sense Media, but the use of “f–k” is every bit as “typical of the time.” I’ve heard it used frequently in, oh, the late 20th century and early 21st century. You could hardly find a word more typical of our time.

But of course Common Sense Media doesn’t have the cojones (or is that coj–es?) to attack Huckleberry Finn or Diary of Anne Frank because if they did so thy would look ridiculous. No, they won’t attack established art, they stick to attacking contemporary art.

Common Sense Media gives Huckleberry a pass on message “because the message is clearly anti-racist and anti-slavery.” Okay. So let’s jump back and take a look at the Drugs section in Kick-Ass:

An adult gangster is a drug dealer, and his teenage son — who becomes “Red Mist” — wants to become involved in the family business. Drugs are seen and discussed.

For this the movie earns three out of a possible five martini glasses. In the shorthand of CSM that’s three out of five “shame on you” symbols. If you get enough of the various “shame on you” symbols you are labeled unfit for children.

But wait a second here. The drug and alcohol use in Kick-Ass are without exception shown to be associated with evil. Our heros do not indulge. So, shouldn’t the drug use earn the same sort of exemption that Huckleberry enjoys for displays of racism? Isn’t the movie showing drugs as bad, to be avoided? By these standards would a school’s anti-drug film not also earn CSM’s wagged finger of disapproval?

Of course not. Because at CSM sometimes the context matters, and sometimes it doesn’t. Or to put it plainly: if CSM feels safe in taking a shot they will, and if they don’t they invent rationalizations.

CSM on the violence in Kick-Ass:

We’re talking extreme comic book-style violence with some blood. The main character is transformed after two thugs beat him up and he stumbles into the path of an oncoming car. The 11-year-old Hit Girl is perhaps more skilled and deadly than any other character, and racks up a large body count. In one highly stylized scene she wraps a bad guy around the neck with a cord to make him shoot himself through the head. Otherwise, the movie is filled with fantasy fighting, with knives and billy clubs, and many of the blows feel more real and painful than in a standard superhero movie. There are also tons of weapons (one character has his own arsenal), including a bazooka and a kind of armed jet pack. One character is burned.

CSM on the violence in Schindler’s List:

Depictions of point-blank shootings, murders, beatings, and mass murders.

CSM on violence in The Dark Knight:

Extensive, intense violence, including (but not limited to) shootings, stabbings, fistfights, explosions, rocket attacks, grenades, and more. A thug is slammed face-first onto a pencil that’s stuck in a table; an underling has an explosive device sewn into his body and then detonated; a hallucinogenic “fear drug” is used as a weapon; dogs are unleashed on victims; a man is set ablaze; cars crash; characters are bound in rooms full of explosives; live grenades are placed in the hands and mouths of hostages; two boats full of passengers are threatened with bombs on-board; suicide bombs are used as threats; knives and guns are brandished. Several characters have extensive facial scarring, either from knives or fire.

CSM on the violence in Saving Private Ryan:

Graphic, savage battlefield violence, as men are blown up, shot, and dismembered by artillery fire, and bayoneted, beaten, and stabbed in hand-to-hand fighting. Unsparing death comes to sympathetic characters as well as ones we hardly know.

Gee, does anyone see a pattern there? Each of these movies gets a maximum number of “shame on yous” but somehow the genuinely disturbing violence in Private Ryan and Schindler’s List get a few terse lines, while we go on, and on, and on about the violence in the two comic book movies.

Is there anyone who thinks the violence of the Holocaust or World War II are somehow less horrific than comic book violence? Really? It takes 8 lines of text to warn us away from the violence in the two comic book movies, and only a single line to pooh-pooh the violence in a movie about the Holocaust.

Whether it’s language, sex, violence or message, the position of Common Sense Media is not an impartial one. Readers of their site are not simply being provided with information, they are being urged in one direction or another. They are being guided toward those movies, books, shows or music that Common Sense Media happens to approve of, and away from those of which it can (safely) disapprove.

The difference between the description of violence in Kick-Ass and the description of the violence in Schindler’s List is not about facts, it is about propaganda. It is about manipulating readers rather than informing them. It is about achieving specific results and exercising power over the media.

It is, in short, about Common Sense Media’s own ambitions.

They decide what is appropriate, good or bad, right or wrong. They decide which targets can be attacked with impunity and those which must be given a respectful hands-off treatment. Their standards are not objective, although they position themselves that way, nor are they disinterested, though they claim to be.

And since their partnerships include such media powers as Comcast, Barnes and Noble and even Google, their power is real. A power they use not to inform, but to propagandize, to pick winners and losers, to shape art to their own ends, for their own agenda.

These are not the people who take risks to create art, they are the nattering finger-wavers on the sidelines who attack art for profit. These are not the creatives with a vision, these are the people who hope to gain by anointing winners and losers among the creatives. With their ridiculous age sliders and simple-minded symbols, they infantilize the very media they pretend to elevate.

They are uninformed critics, critics without a deep knowledge of, or interest in the arts they criticize. They are bullies who shy away from targets they know may injure their credibility and assault those they believe to be weak.

No doubt it seems ridiculous that I should take so much time to defend a comic book movie in which I have no financial or personal interest. But Kick-Ass is a good movie. It’s a movie I am glad my kids saw. A movie I honor the writers and director and producers for making. It does not deserve to be sucker punched by incoherent, contradictory and cowardly self-appointed moral scolds with no agenda but their own power.

Sooo… long time no post ey?

Interesting Book News:

1. Percy Jackson Series by Rick Riordan is awesome. Go out and read it NOW! Oh! and the first book is going to be a movie, Percy Jackson: Lightning Thief, released on February 12th, 2010.

2. A teen author’s Angel trilogy was just bought by Feiwel and Friends. It sounds promising.

3. Warner Bros. bought the movie rights for Beautiful Creatures by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl. Just received this book in the mail, so looking forward to reading it.

4. Lies by Michael Grant cover was revealed. Very Similar to the first book’s cover, but still great.

5. Hunger Games 3 release date was announced. (It’s August 24, 2010 for all of you who don’t know.)

6. Lord Sunday by Garth Nix cover was revealed. LOVE IT.

7. The Eagle of the Ninth Movie Adaption includes the cast of Channing Tatum, star of GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra and Fighting and also Jamie Bell star of Jumper and Defiance. Intended to be released in 2010. One word, AWESOME!

8. The Maze Runner was a grim and morbid masterpiece. Two more books will be in this trilogy, with the second titled The Scorch Trials. Looking forward to that.

9. Oh and if you enjoyed the Percy Jackson series (which you will!), Riordan has already begun a new series, The Kane Chronicles. Book one is titled The Red Pyramid,  and its centered around Carter Kane, 14, and his sister, Sadie, 12, descendants of Egyptian magicians who battle gods accidentally released in the present. Sure to be a Bestseller, if you want my opinion.

10. The 2009 Kirkus Reviews Book Video Awards began a few months ago. I’ll have to look up the winners, but the voting came down to three videos, The Maze Runner, Fallen, and Very LeFreak. Exciting stuff.

And all sorts of other thrilling topics.

You got any juicy book gossip you want to share? Or just read an awesome book that you believe everyone should pick it up? Just leave a comment with your Books News, that way everyone can see it.

Yes.  I am still alive.

If you’d like proof, I will be at the BARNES and NOBLE at 86th and Lexington in New York City, October 15th, 7:00 PM.

I’ll be wearing black.

Also there:  the great and powerful Scott Westerfeld!  The lovely and vivacious (I assume) Carrie Ryan!  And the, oh, let’s say the talented and translucent (look, I’m tired and I’m out of adjectives, okay?) James Dashner!

Never in the history of young adult literature has such a panel of luminaries assembled in one place.  The sheer brilliance will astound you!  It’s entirely possible that we will combine to form a singularity and suck not only you but the entire bookstore into a black hole.  That’s right:  we are just that deep.

But wait:  there’s more!  The first 20 people who show up and buy a book (one of mine, duh) for signing get a flash drive containing the first chapters of LIES and the first chapters of an entirely separate series, THE MAGNIFICENT 12.

Sweet Lord, can you imagine a more astounding offer?  You can? Well, too bad because this is all the offer I have right now.

Come one, come all, and hear four YA authors bloviate, pontificate, and try to top each other in pandering to you, our devoted audience.  Should be fun.

My first teen book, SWITCH, came out in German last month, which was pretty cool. It’s called MITTERNACHTSWANDLERIN, which, if my sources are to be believed, means something like “Midnight Transformer.” So that’s, um, catchy.

Anyway, having a book translated into a language I don’t understand has led me to discover Google’s translation program. I’m hoping the program is seriously buggy, because this is what I find when I translate my author bio on the publisher’s site. Enjoy.

“Carol Snow grew up in New Jersey, studied psychology, but got an aversion to rats, began to write, became a teacher, married, had two children, wrote, moved to Utah to Arizona to California and wrote and wrote. In 2006 her first novel, “Been there, done that” was published, the Publishers Weekly as “humorous, wise debut” marked.”

I love going to this web page and browsing the different quotes. Historical figures can sometimes be funny… in a dry, kinda overly confident way.

Here are a few of my faves:

“Be as careful of the books you read, as of the company you keep,
for your habits and character will be as much
influenced by the former as the latter.”
— ~ Paxton Hood~

The printing press is either the greatest blessing
or the greatest curse of modern times,
sometimes one forgets which it is.
~ Sir James M. Barrie ~

“Tis the good reader that makes the good book;
a good head cannot read amiss:
in every book he finds passages which seem confidences
or asides hidden from all else and unmistakably meant for his ear. ”
— ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

“Books give not wisdom where none was before.
But where some is, there reading makes it more.
”
— ~ John Harington ~

The reason that fiction is more interesting than any other form of literature,
to those who really like to study people,
is that in fiction the author can really tell the truth without humiliating himself.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt ~

Very young children eat their books, literally devouring their contents.
This is one reason for the scarcity of first editions of Alice in Wonderland
and other favorites of the nursery.
~ A. S. W. Rosenbach ~

What are some of your favorite Quotes about Reading?

Well, what do you know. The day I finally decide to semi catch up on other blogs I should be reading, I find this: a contest to win an ARC of Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins, you know, the book I was raving about earlier.

check out the entire post here (there’s a very funny, okay, sorta funny, video):

http://onourmindsatscholastic.blogspot.com/2009/06/were-giving-away-catching-fire-arc.html

How to enter: Create a video no longer than one minute in length, of yourself, and only yourself, reciting the following pledge: “I hearby swear, if I am lucky enough to receive an advanced copy of Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins, I, [your name], promise not to spoil the story for those not as fortunate as I am.” Post that video to your favorite video hosting site (such as YouTube), and post a link to it in the comments of this blog post.
Deadline: 11:59 PM EST on 7/5/09
Prizes: Advance Reader Copy of Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
Void where prohibited
For complete rules click here.

Yeah, and it ends soon, so all ye who have not gotten yourselves ARCs of Catching Fire, do yourself a favor and make this very easy video. Not many people are entered so far, so your chances are pretty darn good.

So, I’m video Tweeting at @thefayz.

“What the ____ is a video Tweet?” you ask.  To which I answer, “Hey, watch your ______ language.  Do you even know what ____ means?  It’s a very rude word.  You little ____!”

Well, it seems if you have Tweetie which is a Twitter Client (no, I don’t know what that means, but my 12 year-old does) you can post videos to Twitter.

It’s really easy.  You go up to the Tweetie tool bar, punch “New video Tweet” and then just talk to the camera.  Assuming you use a Mac.  If you’re on a Windows machine I assume there are nine more steps and at least three crashes involved.

So I’m now using this video tweet thing to read HUNGER, a few paragraphs a day.  As you know, HUNGER is longer than the Bible, (but not as violent and the language is cleaner,) so it may take me a while.  The three I’ve put up so far are from my back yard which is my office.  But I’m thinking of doing some from different locations. Maybe from a B&N or a Starbucks or a Borders.  Anywhere that has WiFi.

I’m also thinking of answering fan questions that way.  And that makes sense.

Here’s what doesn’t make sense:  I’m thinking of reviewing books by video tweet.  In fact, I’m thinking of reviewing books I sometimes have to read to my kids.  For example a book series that rhymes with Wearing Stained Pears.  Kind of rhymes with it, anyway.

But I’m thinking it could be a bad idea.  Because I don’t have anything good to say about Wearing Stained Pears.  I kind of hate Wearing Stained Pears.

As you may know, the books are the story of how Mama Be. . . um . . . Mama Pear sucks the joy out of life. Here’s every Wearing Stained Pears story:  Mama tromps around wearing a white polka-dotted blue mumu and a tragic little Martha Washington matching cap, and destroys pleasure wherever she finds it.  You know about antimatter?  Mama Pear is anitjoy.  She’s the Predator drone of fun:  when she sees it, by God she kills it.  Boom!  Were you relaxing?  Boom, Mama Pear will put an end to it.  Were you just blitzing out, chilling, having a pleasant day?  Look out, it’s Mama Pear, Queen Buzzkill.

Junk food?  TV?  Making messes?  Skipping church?   Brother Pear’s heroin habit?  Whatever small measure of joy the Pear family might squeeze out of their tree-bound, rustic existence, there’s Mama Pear in her frumpy fat-dress scolding and nagging.

Her two children, the imaginatively-named Brother Pear and Sister Pear — that’s right, she named her kids for their relationship to each other as though neither of them is entitled to a distinct identity outside the suffocating confines of their grim, repressed family — have to be constantly on watch against any display of enjoyment or they’ll draw their harpie mother like bees to honey.

She’s the shrew of bears.  I mean pears.  She’s the black hole of happiness.  I mean, good lord, woman, climb down off it from time to time.  Shut up and go buy yourself a dress from this century.  Maybe something not shaped like a bag of mulch, you tedious, genderless, sanctimonious, hypocritical, soul-sucking prig.

But see, that would be wrong to do as a video tweet.  Because no one should say those things about the Wearing Stained Pears books.  Because, you know, they teach all kinds of good lessons.

I understand that in the final book Papa Bear . . . I mean Pear . . .  finally gets his axe and comes into the treehouse yelling, “That’s the last time you. . . ”

But I have to stop myself.  I don’t want to spoil it for you!

Well, I sure have some, in fact I have a lot, as I’m sure many other people do (trust me, I’ve experienced it first hand).

Which is why, I was so darn excited when I opened a nondescript white package from Scholastic to find my very own ARC of…dun dun dun…Catching Fire.

Be jealous. Be very jealous.

And after about a half of hour of jumping up and down excitedly and squealing to my family (who aren’t big YA readers by the way, so they had no idea why I was so happy), I holed myself up in my room to start reading. About four hours later, I was done (okay, technically, I went to sleep before I finished the last 15 or so pages, but if I stayed up for like ten more minutes…)

And all I can say right now to those who have been as lucky as me to get a Catching Fire ARC and have not read it, READ IT NOW! And for those who just aren’t that lucky, I’m very sorry, but you’ll have to wait until September to read this *very awesome* sequel to The Hunger Games.

What does every fictional Superhero need, besides their powers? Cast your vote in the sidebar poll here!

What brought on this poll? This post.

Who doesn’t love a book full of emotionally unstable teens with destructive powers and evil villains squashing all good and hope? Doesn’t that just sound thrilling!

A few of these awesome books:

The Awakening (Book One in the Quantum Prophecy Series) by Michael Carroll

The Extraordinary Adventures of Alfred Kropp (Book One in the Alfred Kropp Series) by Rick Yancey

Gone (Book One in the Gone Series) by Michael Grant

Heir Trilogy (The Warrior Heir, The Wizard Heir, The Dragon Heir) by Cinda Williams Chima

Hidden Talents (followed by sequel, True Talents) by David Lubar

Jack: Secret Histories (Book One in the Jack Series) by F. Paul Wilson

Jimmy Coates: Assassin? (Book One in the Jimmy Coates Series) by Joe Craig

Keys to the Kingdom Series by Garth Nix

The Magician (Book Two in the Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel Series) by Michael Scott

The Named (Book One in the Guardians of Time Trilogy) by Marianne Curley

Raven’s Gate (Book One in the Gatekeepers Series) by Anthony Horowitz

Strange Angels (Book One in the Strange Angels Series) by Lili St. Crow

Did your wish list just grow, or what?

Twilight… With Cheeseburgers (I thought this video was hilarious!)

Click here to read what I thought of the Twilight Movie.

A lot has happened.  Much of it boring.  Some interesting.  In no particular order:

1- I finished LIES: a GONE Novel.  I’m working on the rewrites right now.  Stage one:  Editorial Whack-a-Mole.  They send me the manuscript marked up with little red notes in the right margin.  Most of these notes say things like, “Deleted: and.”  Or “Deleted: ,”  I get a lot of those.  Apparently I, don’t exactly know where, to use, commas.  Anyway, there’s a little check mark inside the little comment box so I have to go through the not-quite-600 pages and hit the little check mark accepting all those “comma deleted” boxes.

2- Yep, writing’s kind of boring isn’t it?

3- Went to England.  Attempted to sign 1,000 books in one hour, like Meg Cabot.  Instead signed 1,300 books in four hours.  I have run the numbers:  I actually kicked Meg’s butt.  Shut up:  I did too.

4- Talked to various Hollywood weasels re: ANIMORPHS and GONE.  Results:  blah blah blah, we respect your work, blah blah blah.  

5- Hung out in Hollywood with “the boys.”  The boys are changing the entire face of web media.  And yet I end up picking up the tab.  Hmmm.  (By the way, the link takes a while to load.  Click on the arrow on the lower right of the screen.)

6- The boys want me to rewrite a TV script I came up with a  long time ago.   Are they paying?  Not yet.  So . . .

7- . . . I started work on The MAGNIFICENT 12.  Having so much fun.  I get to write funny.  I get to write silly.  So not GONE.

8- Editor Teresa asked me for cover suggestions for LIES, easy enough, and PLAGUE, the 4th book.  This is tougher because I have to commit to a couple of lead characters when I haven’t spent eight seconds thinking about that book.  I sent her some pix I grabbed from Google and Flickr.

9- The great and powerful K.A. Applegate is flossing, pauses to ask, “What are you writing?”  I answer, “Stupid Blog Name.”  She asks, “What’s the topic?”  I answer, “Topic?”

10- Much Purell being used around here.  No one wants the flu which I think should be called the “Carnitas Flu.”  See, it’s swine flu originating in Mexico.  Ah hah.  Okay, it’s not actually funny, but it’s mildly witty, right?  Right?

11- I totally missed the LA Book Fair.  Instead I mopped the floor.  Also wrote.  And cleaned the front of the refrigerator.  And bought shoes for the kids.  And ate chile relleno at Z Tejas.

12- My editors asked me to take down my old Facebook picture because it gave the erroneous impression that I was some grizzled, mean-looking old man who smokes cigars and drinks whiskey.  Not exactly the image we’re going for apparently.  So I replaced it with a picture of Katherine and me.  Awwww.  Sweet.

13- While I was in the UK I did a brief shoot for Wordia.  

14-GONE is sold out on Amazon UK.  Kinda cool, huh?  Unless they only bought two copies.  In which case it’s pathetic.

15- These kids?  Cool.  Demonstrating one of the themes of GONE: that kids can step up, be so mature, so capable, so good.  On the other hand, this story also demonstrates one of the themes in GONE: that kids can be every bit as rotten as adults.

16- I’m loving Southern California.  I bought actual shorts.  I won’t wear them in public, I’m not a sadist, but I will wear them in my yard when I write.

17-The thing I buy when I shop for food that I don’t actually eat:  cheese.  I love cheese.  But I kind of love it more when I’m at a nice restaurant and it’s a cheese course.  For some reason I don’t eat it at home.  

18- Next week we’re all going to Minneapolis so Katherine can do some big HOME OF THE BRAVE thing with the library there.  Also some school visits.  I’ll maybe sign some books at the International Reading Association.   Then I’ll take the kids to the Mall of America and eat junk food and hate myself for it.

19-End of May I go to Chicago, to Anderson’s Bookstore min Naperville for the launch of HUNGER: a GONE Novel.  Don’t miss it if you’re in the Chicago area.  

20- Speaking of Chicago, I wrote about the city for the London Telegraph.

21- In the battle of the XLT black t-shirts, I give it to Land’s End over Eddie Bauer.  If it’s XLT black polo shirts I take Eddie.  

22- Kind of sad:  my relatively cool Audi A6 isn’t as much fun to drive as my totally uncool Toyota RAV 4 (6).

23-Can you have a list that’s 23 items?  I mean, it’s a prime number, doesn’t it have to be a multiple of ten?

Okay, just kidding. I’m not in the UK. I am on vacation (if you count visiting colleges on the East Coast of the US of A is a vacation). The UK part comes from something else very exicing:

For the first time ever, I have been quoted in a published book. Eek! Trés exciting for moi (pardon my franglais). It’s the UK version of Gone by our very own Michael Grant. This has seriously been like my dream for a while. I’d always see this or that person in the acknowledgements or quoted and be like, well, that would be cool if that was me. And now it is. Squee!

Now, all I need to do is buy myself a copy of this UK version…

Some pics so you can share in my happiness if you so choose.

THe pictures are a little small, but you can click to enlarge them.

So, I’m in London about halfway through this book tour thing. Today I did some improv stuff for Wordia.com. That went fine. As did the interview with 13 year-old Hugh yesterday. And the Burgers with Booksellers thing last night.

But today I had to give an actual speech. A dozen people in a small room. No podium. Nothing to separate me from those piercing, judgmental, critical eyes. The eyes! The . . . eyes!

Okay, actually there were no eyes. It was a dozen eyeless people. And that was creepy, quite frankly.

Anyway, I give this speech. And there’s a kind of appalled silence. Questions anyone? Yes, I have a question: what the hell is the matter with you? What in God’s name does Ulysses S. Grant have to do with your book?

Here’s what was cool tonight. I walked from my hotel at London Bridge all the way to Selfridge’s department store on Vegemite Street. (That’s right: I am sticking with the Vegemite.) A long walk. Maybe an hour or so. Over the bridge, through the City of London with banker types spilling out of pubs, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes. Along the river. Run-down old ships anchored along the way, turned into banquet halls. A drunk, skinny punk and his mate hoot and challenge, looking for trouble. I’m wearing a topcoat. Hands come out of pockets, we exchange glares, they decide that I may be a little larger than they’d like.

I walked through Trafalgar, said “Dude!” to Nelson way the hell up on his column. Through Picadilly Circus. (Turns out it’s not actually a circus. Huh. Not so much as an elephant.) Think Times Square minus 90% of the neon. The Brits still can’t touch us for jaw-dropping over-the-top excess. Seriously: their bankers are still stealing millions, apparently unaware that we’ve all moved on to stealing billions.

Up Regent Street which is unfortunately all the same damned stores we have in the States. But there were all these tiny side streets I didn’t have time to wander down. A trio played what was probably Mozart, the cello drowned out by passing cop cars.

At each street I pause, check the “Look Left,” or “Look Right” signs painted on the street. It’s bad enough these people insist on driving on the wrong side of the road, but every other street is one-way so there’s no way to make any sense of it.

I finally reached Selfridge’s which is a world-class department store. Dutifully bought crap for my kids. Spent a small fortune on four cigars from a certain Caribbean nation which shall remain nameless because we don’t want to poke US customes in the eye, now do we?

Cab back to London Bridge. London cabs are flat out the best in the world. No! Don’t bother to argue. They find their way around a city that was, as we know from history, laid out not by an architect but by drunken sailors on leave from Her Majesty’s Navy. What they would do is tie a string to a sailor before he was given his freedom and a guinea (no, not an Italian, Jesus, keep up,) and told to go wherever he wanted. The sailor promptly took a large quantity of rum on board, set off in pursuit of hookers and wherever he went, that became a London street.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s true. I checked Wikipedia.

Picked up a sandwich and cheese at Marks and Spencer in the train station. Insipid bottled bitters. Good cheese. Peaches. A puzzling sandwich.

I’m back in my room, sated, scanning British TV. Sweet lord: they’ll put a gardening show on in prime time! People are planting flowers at 9:00 pm. Seriously? We’re mulching in prime time? American TV executives must come over here and think they’re anthroppologists studying aboriginies. Do these people know nothing of The Demo?

Yesterday I was watching Robin Hood, and Friar Tuck was a black dude. No explanation. None of the Merry Men saying, “Jesus, it’s the 12th freaking century, it’s freaking England, none of us has ever traveled further than Ye Olde Swine Faire over in Twaddle, and yet, here’s a black dude and we don’t even notice!”

English Guys: as the more experienced member of the Special Relationship when it comes to racial balance in TV, allow me to gently suggest: it’s okay to mention that a black guy might stand out in Sherwood Forest. That’s not racially insensitive. You know, as it turns out, black people know they didn’t play much of a part in fighting the Sherrif of Nottingham. I’m sure they would have been happy to help out, but your typical Masai was not terribly well-informed on the whole John vs. Richard the Lion Heart thing.

Anyway, Moll Flanders is on now, and it’s an American movie with a bunch of American actors pretending to be English. And Morgan Freeman. So much for laughing at British racial idiocy. But on the other hand you can’t argue with Morgan Freeman. There’s never a bad time to have Morgan Freeman around. He could be here, right now, narrating and I’d be cool with that.

Morgan Freeman: “Michael takes another swig from the bottle of Bowmore 12 year.” How great would your life be if Morgan Freeman was doing the voice over?

The point is — and you thought I had no point, hah! — is that London is like the woman you deliberately don’t get to know because you’re happily married. (WTF? Seriously? That’s your analogy?) I think I could totally fall for this city. And I can’t. Kids, schools, sunshine . . . all that is great in California.

But I almost have to avert my gaze, not look at London too much, not think about it too much. Because it may be the greatest city on earth. It seduces without trying. And I can’t live here.

So, off to London this afternoon for a week-long book tour thing.  Sign some books, schmooze with booksellers, hang out with the Egmont people, do some panel, an interview or two.  And then on Wednesday I’m hoping to get some free time so I can watch the demonstrations/riots at the G-20.

Apparently demonstrators will be converging on the Bank of England, which is just across London Bridge from my hotel.  I’m supposed to be running around from bookstore to bookstore while all this converging is going on, glad-handing and signing books and generally being charming.   Yes, that last one is a stretch.

Meanwhile the demonstrators will be shouting whatever it is one shouts at central bankers.  I’m going to guess:  No more bailouts! But it could be:  Longer weekend hours! Or:  Shorter lines at the drive-thru! Or:  Hotter tellers!

I’m not sure.  Because like every single member of the human species, I have no idea how to solve the economic and financial crises.  Oh, there are plenty of people who think they know how to solve it all.  But they don’t.  When you have ten experts and you hear two opinions from them, that’s standard partisanship.  When you have ten experts and you hear ten opinions, you have “experts” in quotes and none of them knows a damn thing for sure.

Nevertheless, people enjoy a good rage, so a lot of people will pour into the streets of London, surround the B of E, and furiously demand conflicting or even nonsensical solutions to a problem the guys inside the Bank of England will have no clue how to solve.

Good times, good times.

Here’s my defense in case the rioters turn on me as I’m passing by:  I only ever took out 30 year fixed mortgages! Or possibly:  I’m just a stockholder and I never even bought on margin!

Or I could run away, but really, at my age what are the odds that I can outrun a wild-eyed anarchist?  I could maybe beat one up, because it’s not like they can organize and come after me in a group, but really, I’m hoping that if beating is required I can be matched against some mildly irate Unitarians rather than, say, drunken punks.

Here’s my defense in case I am chased by drunken punks:  I love Rancid and even the solo projects Lars Frederiksen and Tim Armstrong do!

And if it’s Unitarians?  I appreciate your lack of dogma!

Or maybe I’ll just skip the whole thing, stay in the hotel bar and get drunk.

Today Stephen King — yeah, that Stephen King — wrote this to my editor, Katherine Tegen:

I’ve been corresponding with your “Michael Grant” about his Gone books. More important, I’ve been reading the Gone books–the first and Hunger, the follow-up. These are exciting, high-tension stories told in a driving, torrential narrative that never lets up. There are monsters, there are kids with mad-crazy super powers, there’s the mystery of where all the adults went. Most of all, there are children I can believe in and root for. This is great fiction.

If you want to quote any or all of that, be my guest. I love these books.

Stephen King

I don’t want to go all sincere on you people, but if you showed me starred reviews from everyone with a star to give, it wouldn’t mean as much to me as this does.  Reviews are really great.  But this is Stephen King.

If you get past my affinity for German cars, tasting menus, molecular cuisine and single malt whiskeys (ahem) I’m a blue collar guy.  My father was Army.  I had a decidedly lower middle class childhood.  High School drop-out.  College drop-out.  I was a stock clerk, a house painter, an office cleaner, a resident manager of crappy apartment buildings.  But mostly I was a waiter.  For a decade.  

When I waited tables I carried a bigger station than anyone else in a given restaurant and I worked more shifts.  I worked every shift they’d let me have.  I would carry eight tables — two regular stations — and do it 7 nights a week.  I love work.  Work gave meaning and structure to my life and even at my lowest, when I was a hopeless screw-up, when I was broke and (deservedly) friendless I still worked my ass off.  At one point in my life I was sleeping under an overpass in Austin, Texas, with my busboy black-and-whites in a locker at the Trailways station and I still worked every shift.    

There are a lot of good writers out there.  (Some of them blog here.)  There are other people who can write (almost) as well as Stephen King.  But no one else is as good as he is and also as hard working.  He doesn’t stop.  He doesn’t let up.  He doesn’t whine about writer’s block.  He gets it done, and when he gets it done it kicks ass.  He’s seven years older than I am, he’s been through addiction, and he got run over and almost killed for God’s sake, and he still outworks me. He carries that eight table station on a Saturday and he’s got everyone loving him at the end of the night.

If there’s one guy I want to be when I grow up (an event delayed by, oh, about 30 years so far,) it’s Stephen King.  I’ve had some high points in writing:  big checks, bestseller lists, fans, nice reviews.  But this?  This is really cool.

A few books that I have read in the past few months all share in the respect that the main characters are all dealing with pain. They all need healing of the body and mind, but will they be able to heal? You’ll have to read to find out!

Below are snippets of my reviews of a few books that could be looked upon as books of pain, but more accurately books of healing.

North of Beautiful by Justina Chen Headley
Publication Date: February 2009
5 out of 5 stars

“Author Justina Chen Headley has a real, hard-to-find skill in modern day authors. She entwined intuitive philosophies generated by a simple object, a map. She wove a beautiful novel with substance… North of Beautiful was a profound, thought provoking novel that was crafted with an intelligent, insightful hand.” For my whole review, click here.

Evermore
By Alyson Noel
Pub. Date: February 2009
4 out of 5 stars

“Evermore wasn’t mind-blowing, but its slight suspense, eerie mystery, and strange magic were interestingly entertaining… Evermore was clearly a first book in the series because many profound outlooks were hardly explored. I’m curious to find out how Ever is going to deal with her new life and I also hope to see more illustration of Damen’s supposed compassion in the second book, Blue Moon.” For my whole review, click here.

Privilege
By Kate Brian
Pub. Date: December 2008
4.5 out of 5 stars

“Privilege far surpassed my expectations. The writing and characters of this book stands out from other YA literature currently available… Ariana was a mentally unstable murderer. Yet I really liked her. She had many great qualities that all centered around her morals and guilt ridden conscience. She was a mind-boggling naughty main character who was trying her best to do what’s right.” For my whole review, click here.

Willow
By Julia Hoban
Pub. Date: April 2009
5 out of 5 stars

“Willow was a powerful book that was entirely phenomenal at expressing the perspective of a teenage cutter… The main character, Willow, was a chaotically layered mess of colors. Her naked canvas of pain was hidden under many layers of conflicted feelings… Willow was an extraordinarily real person…” For my whole review, click here.

I’ve recently converted to Twitter. I’ve always enjoyed updating my facebook status and now I get to do it my mobile (or while I’m supposed to be at work). Here I am.

I like the format, the 140 character limit and the instantaneous nature of the updates. So I just have one question. What should I twitter about?

Anybody with followers on Twitter are either famous (I’ve chosen a famous Brit that I hope you recognise) or are offering some kind of service. What do I do if I can offer neither of these things?

Okay, so I’m kind of happy to follow a few other people that I find interesting, but I’m not a follower, I’m a leader! I just point me in the direction of a topic to lead on!

I’ve put a few tweets on there about my ride to work (time, attire and instances of near death) so I could run with that.

I’ve put a few tweets on that are surreal in nature, but grounded in my flawed understanding of Physics, so that could be the way forward.

A friend of mine already stole my other idea. He’s twittering about his life as a zombie/living amongst zombies.

So what should I do, use one of these ideas, or twitter on another topic of your bidding? I await your ideas with baited breath.

There are a large number of book publishers on twitter and it’s quite revealing to follow them, so if I’m not interesting enough I’ll just have to do it on behalf of Egmont.

If you read enough behind-the-scenes writing by famous authors, you’re probably over-familiar with the “Why I Write” essay. Sometimes these are pretty damn inspirational (I’m thinking of Paul Auster’s pieces collected in The Red Notebook), and other times a wee bit indulgent and hateful (probably best not to name names, sorry). But it is all too rare to come across an essay about why we read.

For me, it has always been about What Happens Next, about storytelling at its most fundamental, that breathless and then, and then, and then. It can be easy to forget that, sometimes—I become enamored with a writer’s wit or pyrotechnics or form-bending exercises, and I spend ages hacking through wildernesses of metafiction, giving my brain a workout on playgrounds devised by genius loons. (I’m thinking, of course, of the usual suspects: Thomas Pynchon, David Foster Wallace, Jeanette Winterson, Paul Auster—really, this shelf is endless, and endlessly fascinating.)

And so I forget about plain old story. Until I stumble upon it again and recall, Oh yeah! This is what it’s all about.

Which brings me to The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas. I began reading this the other day, and it’s a struggle to pull myself away from it. Yes, it is wordy and long and taxes my vocabulary, but good God! It moves like it’s on speed. Things happen, pretty much from the first few pages. Our naif hero d’Artagnan takes offense and challenges a stranger to a duel; the stranger can’t be bothered because of a mysterious plot he’s involved in with the beautiful Milady; d’Artagnan suffers a theft of the thing he most prizes in the world. And that’s all in the first chapter. I don’t know where it’s going, but I can’t wait to get there.

Dumas keeps the reader on a need-to-know-basis, telling us no less than but no more than we need at any particular point in the story, filling us in as things develop. He perfectly illustrates the tried-and-true reliable story mnemonic  ABDCE—Action, Background, Development, Climax, Ending. That formula is usually used to discuss the short story, but it applies just as much to the novel, and to sections within novels: engage readers with action, parcel out just enough background to pique our interest, escalate to some sort of breaking point, get out.

We can all learn a thing or two from that kind of story. Speaking of which, I’m going to get back to it.