All right, Meg.  I’m in.  

Oh yeah:  we are on!

Some time ago Meg Cabot issued the Crack and  Stack challenge.  Confident of her superhuman book-signing abilities, the Queen of Chicklit issued a challenge to authors: sign a thousand books.  In one hour. I’m not sure why she insists we smoke crack, but what the heck.

Wait.  Okay, I re-read the part in Meg’s post about the crack.  So never mind that.

On Tuesday, March 31st, I will present myself at the offices of Egmont Publishing, #3 Vegemite Street in the quaint English village of North  Eelpie on Gorge, Nossex, UK and whatever random string of numbers those foreigners use in lieu of a decent, God-fearing zip code.  (Maybe I should double-check that address.) There I will be presented with (up to) 1,000 books to sign.

I will proceed to school the arrogant Ms. Cabot.

However.  I would like to make note of two facts.  One: I’m 100 years old and afflicted by most of the illnesses diagnosed on House during that show’s first three seasons.  (That’s right:  leprosy. I’m down to a thumb, a finger and a nub.)  Two: there are online rumors that Meg Cabot has a prosthetic robot arm.   I don’t have any proof of that.  I’m just putting it out there, you be the judge.  So it’s possible that a fair-minded person would want me to benefit from a small handicap.  Let’s say 300 books.

The winner will be chosen by this blog’s Alistair Spalding (or his representative,) who can be relied upon to set aside the fact that his employer publishes me while some (possibly Communist) competitor publishes Meg Cabot.

Greetings readers of Stupid Blog Name! While on my latest book tour (England, Sweden, South Africa, Hong Kong, Singapore, and Thailand) something truly exciting occurred. I came up with the idea for the official Crack and Stack Challenge.

Editors, publicists, and booksellers who are reading this, please let your authors know:

It’s on.

The Crack and Stack Challenge has been informal up until now, but that’s over. I want official numbers. I want to know—who is the fastest stock signer on earth. That’s right. ON THE PLANET.

Because, I’ll be frank—I think it’s me. (Robert B Parker, who only signs using his initials, doesn’t count. To participate in the Crack and Stack Challenge, you must sign with at least one full name. Do you hear me? One. Full. Name).

In case you’ve never heard of the Crack and Stack Challenge, allow me explain: I made it up. I made it up on my past book tour due to my being sick of authors who take forever at their stock signings (for those of you who don’t know, a stock signing is when authors are sent to a warehouse or book outlet and asked to sign thousands of copies of their book, which are then sent on to random customers or shops to be sold as “autographed copies”).

Authors are asked literally to sit there and sign their name over and over several thousand times, and some will take forever to get through their books.

This is, of course, excusable for elderly or infirm authors. For those authors, it is reasonable to expect their books to have to be handed to them individually for signing.

But that is not okay for perfectly healthy young authors. Perfectly healthy young authors should, in my opinion, be required to participate in the Crack and Stack Challenge.

Why is Crack and Stack so important?

Because due to perfectly healthy young authors who take forever to sign their books, my publicist insisted I get up at six in the morning to make the two hour drive to the book outlet where the thousands of copies of my books were waiting for me, so that she could hand feed me each book one at a time.

I did not WANT to get up at six in the morning to do in four hours what should take one. There was no reason for it.

But do you know how hard I had to argue with my publicist that it would not take me four hours to sign a thousand books just because it took some other perfectly healthy young author four hours to sign a thousand books? I had to prove that I could do it!

Which is why I came up with the Crack and Stack Challenge.
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Hi SBN (What a great acronym! With an acronym like that we’ll rival CNN or China’s CCTV in no time!). We need everyone involved to go around saying, “I SBN” we’ll make pin badges and everything . . .

I work in marketing and publicity for Egmont UK (there’s an Egmont US now too). We’re the UK publishers of Gone, and were invited to blog by Michael- Thanks!

I’ve just come back from the Bath Festival of Children’s Literature where we had a number of authors. Basically I’m the person that has to tell people like Meg Cabot (see her post below) to get off their couch and go and promote their work!

I understand what she’s saying, one of the authors we dragged along kept complaining that she could have been at home finishing her next book instead of promoting her last one. But I was unrepentant and kept her chained to the signing desk for 2 long hours, without water. I’m hoping to get some electrodes together for my next tour  - that’ll keep them in line.

Actually the real benefit of touring is that the kids get really excited about seeing authors talk. One child who was listening to Andy Stanton talk laughed so much he threw up and had to be removed – awesome. Another group watched enthralled as Jackie Morris painted an alternative book cover live in front of them.

Moments like that make festivals and tours really special places to be.

We’re back from our road trip.  Seven days in the car.  With kids.  (The parents reading this just shuddered in unison.)

What are we doing now?  Negotiating.  More on that when we are further down the road.

Today I spoke with a guy I know who is very hooked up in online media.  I  now know the future of advertising.  But I can’t tell anyone.  Seriously:  I had to swear, and they’re sending me a non-disclosure.  Let me just say this:  I came up with this five years ago.  Of course I didn’t you know, create actual software or anything.  I was probably busy.  Probably something involving food.  I think that’s it:  I was busy making toast.

We’re on a road trip from Italy to France. In part I’m visiting old haunts. In part places neither of has been before.

 

Nice, France. Haven't been since I was 16 and staying at a youth hostel up that hill. Kind of still like it.

 

We stopped in Carcassonne, the coolest medieval walled city ever. Had to drive in and out to reach the hotel. This is driving out behind a truck. Tight? Yeah. And we drove over a drawbridge.

 

Fouras, France. I lived here when I was 9 and 10. Fort Vauban in the background. Wife in foreground. I tried my first cigarette in the moat of that fort.

Note: We seem to have developed a glitch in which I post as Carol Snow. Hmmm. Tech is working on it.