I used to think I had the best job in the world. Day after day, I sit around in my sweatpants and make stuff up. And people pay me for it! What could be cooler? Okay, it would be cooler if people paid me more for it, but – you know. I do okay, all things considered.

As it turns out, if you take money out of the equation (and with most writing jobs you have to), a woman named Jeanne Hoffa has the best job in the world. She writes the daily crime log for my local paper. Being from New Jersey, I love that someone named Hoffa writes the crime log. (Confused? Google “Hoffa” and “Meadowlands” and all will become clear.) Beyond that, I am in awe of her ability to encapsulate entire lives in a few short lines. Example:

Transient – white man in his 50’s wearing a baseball cap, a black trench coat and carrying a camouflage bag is blocking the driveway at the Kinder Care Learning
Center stating the governor owes him money.

Bear in mind that the paper is published in California – which means the governor in question is Arnold Schwarzenegger. Hasta la vista, baby.

More from the same issue:

Suspicious – Caller states there is a bloody knife in the dirt to the rear of the House of Bibles on Harbor Blvd. Final Case: Halloween knife. No blood.

Patrol Check – Caller request patrol car due to her husband having an affair. The husband of the woman her husband is cheating with is threatening to pummel him.

Suspicious – Man is standing in the middle of the street attempting to pull his pants down. The pants are jeans. Also wearing a baseball jersey. Possibly drunk.

Possibly drunk? You think?

And, finally, file this one under “I believe the children are our future”:

Suspicious – Authorities at Fullerton High School have student in principal’s office who asked what smoking methamphetamine does after taking ADD meds.

All of this goes to show that the best material does not lie between my ears but outside my front door. However, having also read the less-amusing entries (Disturbance – Caller’s grandson was standing outside on 600 block of e. Imperial Highway when an unknown subject pulled up in a red Volvo and pointed a black handgun at him), I’m thinking I should keep my front door locked.